Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
