I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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