Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
