Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
