things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
