four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
