did you get engaged???
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
