if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Life is so much better after having sex.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
