I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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