I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
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