i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
