I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
