dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
did i just pee glitter
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
