stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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