I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
