Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
