yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i need an iv and a liver transplant
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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