Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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