i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
