she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
