I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
