it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
