i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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