it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
