I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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