It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
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