Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
