she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
