dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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