Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
