smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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