I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
