I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
