turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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