The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize
