I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Randomize
