I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
