that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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