Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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