Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
