You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
