Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
