i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
