I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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