I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
