made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
