I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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