broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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