i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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