Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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