I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
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they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
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He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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