and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
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I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
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Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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