I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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