Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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