When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I am midnight drunk by noon
why do cheetos always look like penises
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
